ff

Oh yes, and apart from running on Auto-pilot, I think I should also start writing again.
I've stopped writing since 2004 when a couple of weeks before SPM, I was made to see my English teacher after class, when:

She: You write good essays, do you read a lot?
Me: I read, but not a lot.
She takes off her glasses, stares at the table, and asked: Are you suicidal?
I was baffled. What?

Decided not to give people more clues to my depression, which is why people see me happy and funny and ah, so approachable. Or not.
Yeah... and stopped writing because everything I write is bloody depressing.

Last week when I talked to my parents, my mom said something about me being a failure (tau tau je sebab takde diploma/degree) and I repeated, 'NOTHING?' so many times when she accused me of being negative.
I then called her negative, so negative I don't remember anything positive.
And then she said "I praised you when you wrote a poem on your grandfather's death".

... maybe it's a motherly thing.
She also once or twice complained about me being morbid, that when I first started talking, I was talking about death, how to die, etc.
I still talk about dying. To myself.